the flying squirrel

I am presently plagued with self-doubt.

This is not an infrequent occurance and something I've learned not to get too worked up about. I am of the opinion that there are two sorts of people in the world: the self-doubters and those who have gotten good at hiding it. Hiding it is an effective life strategy, but being able to work through it is extremely useful, sanity-wise.

For me, it's the usual stuff: worrying that I might not be very good at my job, and worrying about how I'm ever going to form a meaningful inter-personal bond with another human being. Honestly, it's the latter that keeps me up at night.

I don't really like to talk about it much. The reason's simple and obvious: no-one is interested in someone who lacks confidence about these things. If I broadcast my insecurities in the hopes of getting comfort and support and just talking stuff out so I'm not stewing over it anymore, I'm simultaneously telling the world I'm insecure and thus crippling my ability to reach the goal, the lack of progress in which is what's prompting the insecurity in the first place.

This isn't an indictment of some heinous imbalance of the sexes or anything. It's just the way things are. I don't want to be saddled with someone who would want to use me as a crutch for their self-esteem. Taking advantage of such a person might seem fun for a little while, but I'm sure it would get old fast. And I'm crippled with a moral compass that won't let me go there. Which is a shame, because there are a lot of hot, emotionally damaged babes out there.

The problem is, everybody's got baggage. As I talk to new people, a strange new source of self-doubt creeps in: how little baggage I have compared to most other people. My issues are boring and stupid compared to everybody else's. Not that I want more interesting issues... This just wasn't the way things were supposed to turn out.

Back in university, I distanced myself from potential relationships on the grounds that I wasn't ready. I didn't "feel I could, in good conscience, inflict myself on another human being," was something I remember saying out loud, although I have a hard time believing I actually talked like that. I had the idea that I had to resolve all my personal issues first before I could consider getting into a relationship. It wasn't fair otherwise.

Here I am, ten years later. I'm ready, dammit! My soul is well-polished. Besides the work thing, my only issue is I'm still single, and no amount of self-reflection is going to resolve that.

But now I'm stuck with a new problem. While I've been calmly and relflectively polishing my soul, everybody else has been out there in the world living their lives, getting beat up and knocked around. And I'm afraid of what I might find if I get too close. Because I don't know. I think I can handle it, but what if I can't? What if it reveals me to be shallow? A fraud? Naive? A person who oh so obviously has wasted their life, just going to work every day and not stopping to experience all those things we were put on this world to experience? Sure, there's about zero chance I'll take a shotgun to my family and then myself, but the chances of that happening in the general population are as close to zero as is practical anyway. So what have I been doing with all of this soul-polishing crap?

Like I said, self-doubt.

I wonder if George W Bush lays awake at night, wondering if he's really a good president. Probably not. All the drugs Rove and Cheney have him on see to that.

I'd always considered my uncle to be one of the most supremely confident people I knew. He had a high-flying career and big-shot friends. Took jobs in Bemuda, golfed and played squash and talked up his Ottawa connections. Seeing him with my aunt in the hospital, though... the woman he'd been married to since he was 19 years old... and after she died... I don't know. It put the whole confidence thing in perspective. I have to think, for all his bluster, was he ever really any more secure than anyone else? Do I have this all wrong?

I've been thinking that somehow other people are just more sure of themselves than I am, and I can never be like that. But is that even true? That's not a knock against my uncle. I suddenly have a lot more respect for him. Suddenly, he's human. Suddenly, I can relate to him.

I'm lying to myself. The fact that I'm not in a relationship isn't even an issue. It's not even about other people. It doesn't have anything to do with relationships. The fact is I'm more afraid of being in a relationship as I am of not being in one. Because not being in a relationship is safe. It's the status quo. Being in one is a big, scary unknown. Other people are scary. Life is scary.

It's no different if you're in a relationship you know you need to get out of. Being in it is safe. Being single again is scary as hell.

Being scared, though, isn't a good enough reason not to do something. All being scared tells you is that what you're doing has consequences. Good or bad. It's something that matters. It will make a difference.