smile!
Dammit, that's the fifth person in as many days who's told me I should smile. I'm getting to the point were I want to say, flat out, "No!"
I mean, first off, I don't like people who go around with a strained, insincere smile all the time. They strike me as phony, often giving off mixed signals. Well, saying I don't like them is a bit harsh—most people (me included) quite understandably don't want to give away the full extent of their anguish when they're feeling down, if only to simplify routine social intercourse. "I'm fine." But there's a difference between masking emotion and pretending it's something that it isn't.
Second, I'm actually in a not-all-that-bad mood at the moment (an improvement over last week, throughout much of which I was a little depressed for no very good reason). My facial expression at the time my coworker commented should've been one of concentration. Work is actually progressing and I'm getting stuff done (I'm calling the time spent writing this an extended lunch break). I'm not really feeling happy-happy right now, but then I don't have too much reason to be. Really... Smiling like an idiot whilst sitting alone at my desk not surfing online comics would, in my mind, indicate deeper problems than a grey mood.
Third, I'm a little bit self-conscious of my smile. I think it's goofy-looking.
Speaking of deeper problems, I found this little online personality (disorder) test yesterday. I thought I'd share the results with you...
Disorder: Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --
Hmm... I suspect this thing was done mostly as a joke, but the descriptions of Avoidance Personality Disorder are frustratingly and scarily on the mark for me. But maybe I'm becoming an Internet-based hyopchondriac. No, the symptoms don't match. :P I found this apropos, however:
My psychiatrist has told me, that my essential problem is that I don't act according to the feelings I have inside. The inside and outside are very different. I think that pretty much sums up what APD is all about, and what I need to do: I need to externally express what is inside of me. I'm working on that, but it's hard work.
For me, it's a little easier. When I was younger, I wore a poker face all the time. Nowadays, unless I intentionally clamp down for some reason, my emotions are a lot easier to read. Sincerity is important to me. So no, I'm not going to smile because you tell me I should. I'll smile because I'm happy.