diaries
I've always wanted to have a diary. It's always struck me as just a little romantic. I've tried a bunch of times, but never quite managed it. When I did, the drivel that ensued was hardly encouraging. The only times I ever came close to writing a diary which might provide worthwhile insights into my person for my ancestors, biographers, etc. were when I was really, really depressed. And, well, I like to think that that sort of thing is hardly representative.
It wasn't very good, either.
You read stories about people with diaries. They write inspired things about life, love, themselves and others. They also write about mundane things that, however small they are, make you truly feel for the person writing.
Part of the reason I like the diary idea, I think, is because I've got so much I'd like to tell the world. At least, I think I do. But then when I sit down and actually try to write some of it, it all flutters away somewhere, or I think " That's no good," and delete a few paragraphs. If I have a diary, I figure, I'll be able to write all this stuff down so that maybe it'll take shape. It's not really telling the world, but it's one notch better than keeping it hidden (and ultimately forgotten) inside. And since I'm not telling the world, I don't have to worry about censoring myself quite so much.
Sounds good, right? The problem is that it doesn't seem to work. Maybe it's because I'm writing it just for me (putting aside biographers for a moment). If it's just for me, why bother? I already know it. And, for some reason, I still censor myself. There's something fundamentally silly about that. Then again, it's probably the biographers I'm thinking about.
At the heart of it, I want to prove to the world that I'm a good and worthwhile human being. I just don't think I'm doing a good enough job of that out in the full-motion, three dimensional world. Doing it on paper seems almost as good.
But doing it on a web page is just too scary. I'd never do that.