I'm sitting at work right now, even though it's closing in out eight o'clock. I'm not going home until the temperature
drops under 30°. I'm going to sit right here, even if it means I can't play my game or finish
my book. It's
too hot to go outside, so I'm not going. You can't make me.
I'm almost finished my book, too. I found Light Raid (co-authored by Connie Willis, whom, as I have mentioned, I like
very much) for 93 cents in a used book store a couple weeks ago. And it was worth every penny! Really, it's been a fun
read on buses and trains and things, but it's not Ms Willis' best. Occasionally I catch a glimmer of the—I dunno—
banter I love so much in Willis' other books, but the glimmer fades quickly. I dived into it because it takes place in
a future where the allied Western United States and Commonweath of Western Canada are caught in a bitter, deadly war
with the dastardly Quebeckers (while the city-state of Victoria strives to stay neutral and avoid all the laser
bombardments). The authors don't really have a feel for Canadians, though. The day Westerners start having tea and
setting up a monarchy is the day Satan dons a parka and drives his sled dogs to work. They never dwell on background
details, though, which is a bit of a shame on the one hand, but a small relief if it's just going to make everything
implausible.
Phew. It's 29° now, so I suppose I can go home sometime soon... Maybe I'll wait till sunset.
I've been in a funny mood the last week or so. Not bad, really... Almost overwhelmed, sorta. Except there really isn't
anything in particular that should be overwhelming me. The avoidant thing (more
of a personality "style" than a "disorder," really) is still bugging me... I've been dwelling on it a bit... I've also
been spending too much time fretting over other peoples' problems. And I'm back to not getting work done. It's probably
good that this is a short week.
Once I get home and start playing Havest Moon, though, all my problems should drift away. If it was just 15-20° cooler
out, it'd be perfect...
Dammit, that's the fifth person in as many days who's told me I should smile. I'm getting to the point were I want to
say, flat out, "No!"
I mean, first off, I don't like people who go around with a strained, insincere smile all the time. They strike me as
phony, often giving off mixed signals. Well, saying I don't like them is a bit harsh—most people (me included) quite
understandably don't want to give away the full extent of their anguish when they're feeling down, if only to simplify
routine social intercourse. "I'm fine." But there's a difference between masking emotion and pretending it's something
that it isn't.
Second, I'm actually in a not-all-that-bad mood at the moment (an improvement over last week, throughout much of which I
was a little depressed for no very good reason). My facial expression at the time my coworker commented should've been
one of concentration. Work is actually progressing and I'm getting stuff done (I'm calling the time spent writing this
an extended lunch break). I'm not really feeling happy-happy right now, but then I don't have too much reason to be.
Really... Smiling like an idiot whilst sitting alone at my desk not surfing online comics would, in my mind, indicate
deeper problems than a grey mood.
Third, I'm a little bit self-conscious of my smile. I think it's goofy-looking.
Speaking of deeper problems, I found this little online personality (disorder) test yesterday. I thought I'd share the
results with you...
Hmm... I suspect this thing was done mostly as a joke, but
the descriptions
of AvoidancePersonalityDisorder
are frustratingly and scarily on the mark for me. But maybe I'm becoming an
Internet-based hyopchondriac. No, the symptoms don't match. :P I found this apropos,
however:
My psychiatrist has told me, that my essential problem is that I don't act according to the feelings I have inside.
The inside and outside are very different. I think that pretty much sums up what APD is all about, and what I need to
do: I need to externally express what is inside of me. I'm working on that, but it's hard work.
For me, it's a little easier. When I was younger, I wore a poker face all the time. Nowadays, unless I intentionally
clamp down for some reason, my emotions are a lot easier to read. Sincerity is important to me. So no, I'm not going to
smile because you tell me I should. I'll smile because I'm happy.
At the risk of sounding like a 'blog, just commenting on web pages and stuff, I really feel I have to point
out Piggy and Puppy. Read
especially Puppy's Journal. Piggy and Puppy go on lots of adventures, and
Puppy was very good to write all of them down.